Jessicas picture for blog

 

My name is Jessica and I am an addict. People say you’re a product of your environment, but I don’t feel that’s true in my case because I had everything I had ever wanted and none of that mattered to me. I had so much hatred in my heart. I was angry, sad and lost. I had a big smile on the outside. I loved making people happy and could light up a room. People really knew very little that I was slowly dying on the inside, and many did not see the darkness that fell over me. After I put that first substance in my body it ignited something fierce, an uncontrollable force inside me that prayed on every weakness I had.

Although I hadn’t picked up my first drink until I was fourteen I was still suffering from this disease well before that. What I mean by that is I was suffering from a spiritual malady which made me disconnected and separated from something. At that age, of course, I didn’t know what that feeling was. Only from experiencing the twelve steps of alcoholics anonymous did I find out it was a separation from a higher power, who today I perceive as the god of my understanding.

Before I had any knowledge of what this disease was I held drugs and alcohol directly responsible for the destruction and chaos that was my life. Drugs and alcohol had become my comfort in a world that felt so out of control. I used prescription drugs as a crutch all throughout high school. I played on the notion that I was “mentally ill” depressed and diagnosed myself with myriad illnesses. The truth of the matter is  I was an angry confused teenager who began manipulating doctors into giving me exactly what I wanted.

Aside from all of that I had a lot of friends who loved to party like I did, I mean obviously, they drank like me. It was normal to go into the woods on a Friday and Saturday night with a bunch of thirties, cheap vodka. As “normal” as that was for us I never stopped after Saturday. I was bringing pints into school and going into the bathroom after homeroom taking shots. I can’t tell you how many plastic pint bottles my mother found hidden around my room. Getting my stomach pumped on more than one occasion meant absolutely nothing to me. My disease like many others is rapid progression and shortly thereafter  I was killing myself with pills and alcohol. To add to my misery I also Suffered from a severe eating disorder which is its own story in itself but certainly did not help any.

When I graduated high school I took that year off and told my parents I needed to focus on what I wanted to do with my life, but really just wanted to party and not worry about anything which included further education and any responsibility for that matter. I decided to go to Quincy college to appease my parents. They were always good for trying to keep me out of trouble and pushing me to succeed which either one I could’ve cared less about. I managed to get through a year of school taking oxy’s Adderall and everything else under the sun and I thought that was ok. Fast forward, it’s now 2017 I started school in 2009 and I have never finished. My passion was working with children. My teachers saw something in me that I didn’t see in myself and pushed me to believe in myself but kept falling short. I continued doing whatever I wanted to do.

As the years passed I had a multitude of run-ins with the law which included drug charges, assault and batteries and just an overall chaotic lifestyle.Throughout the end of my self will run riot I went from living in programs, shelters, crack houses and tents in the woods. My family and friends had no understanding of why. All I could tell them was that they had nothing I wanted because in reality the nice house, money and material things didn’t matter. No one mattered. I was willing to give up anyone or anything that got in my way and in the end, Drugs and alcohol took everything from me and I willfully submitted to it. It wasn’t until my daughter was taken from me that I knew I needed to fight because I was not allowing my disease to take her.

I knew in my heart that there was hope in recovering from this insidious disease. I had tried A.A. before but never really gave myself a true shot at recovery. Needless to say, the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous has saved my life. I utilize the program today and as a result, I live free from the bondage of self. I have met so many beautiful people in the program and have had so many amazing experiences doing this work to the best of my ability. I have people back in my life that I pushed away. They don’t have to prepare themselves for my death. They can enjoy life with me. To anyone who is struggling please reach out. This world has way too much beauty in it to was.Give yourself a chance at a life that was meant to be. Thank you for taking the time to read this.